Well, I've been forcing myself out of my comfort zone by doing some internet dating, and I am not sold that I'm actually doing myself a favor. When I don't date for long periods of time, I start to think I'm making it impossible for myself to ever find love and that I can only blame myself for my singleness/occasional loneliness. However, in the times I've made myself date, I turn into a wreck - it is SO foreign to me that I second-guess every move I make, my self-esteem takes a hit, I stress over everything, and I feel doomed and unable to change my situation. Blurgh.
I went on a bunch of first dates through an online dating service, and only one was good. He and I have met up four times now, the first two being awesome, the second two...not as great. I worry when I think it's going well - how would he get along with my friends/family? have I been single so long that I don't even know how to act in a relationship? am I ready to give up my singleness? But, I also worry when it's not going well - did the last text I sent sound stupid? am I interesting enough? is he actually interested in me or just being nice?
The nice moments are so great - I feel desirable, listened to, inspired, valued.....I like those feelings. I like the idea of being able to share life with a romantic partner. I crave intimacy. I want a relationship to work, and I don't want to wait too much longer because I already feel like I'm so far removed from being in a relationship (7+ years ago was my last...I was in my mid 20s) that I might not be able to relinquish my autonomy and feel comfortable with another person so intimately involved in my life.
Ugh. I just don't know. Even though when I wasn't dating I'd experience occasional loneliness and self-doubt about my lifestyle, at least I didn't question my worth/ability. But....32 is way to young to give up, right? I know I could just take a break from trying for a while, but that's what I've mostly done for the last 7 years. And the whole "you'll meet someone when you stop looking" advice is bull. I didn't look for LONG chunks of time and no one ever just fell into place. I feel like if I want a relationship I need to be putting an effort in.
Blurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
