|Melancholy of a Beautiful Day, Georgio de Chirico|
The truth is, when I'm feeling lonely, I don't usually want to be around 100+ strangers. What I want is to be around a special someone. And even my attempts to get myself out of the house just further remind myself of my loneliness. Yesterday, I walked to the beach near my house to watch the sunset, which was gorgeous, but I couldn't help but notice that I was surrounded by couples. Luckily, I was able to walk down about a half mile to a deserted area where I could just soak up God's daily lightshow and regroup a bit.
I don't want this post to sound horribly negative. I'm not depressed...I'm just having a rough spot. I know everyone gets lonely - even people who are in relationships. I've heard some married folk say that the type of loneliness you experience when married is far more devastating than being lonely when you are single, because of the built up expectations for a partner to fulfill your need for companionship. An old pastor of mine used to tell me that the root of almost every problem that was presented to him in counseling was a deep loneliness.
So, what to do? Well, some days I let myself wallow. Why not? I think we need to get it out of our systems sometimes. Have a big old pity party (like I did on Valentine's day when I gorged myself on Taco Bell). Then, in the days after, I have felt lonely, but I also realized I didn't like that side of me. Seeing my entitled attitude and self-pitying in full force was off-putting. Yesterday, after my sunset walk, I came home and made the decision to thoroughly distract myself in a productive manner. I started painting at 6, and by 10 it was like the time had flown by. I was all by myself, but my brain was engaged, I was being creative, and I felt a lot better about myself. I still feel a bit lonely today, but I've moved past the time when I'm allowing myself to wallow, and I'm into recovery mode. And, for now, it feels good.