The problem with "Singles Ministry"

My church closed a few months ago, and I'm struggling to find a new one. Looking for churches as a single person is THE WORST - visiting new churches seems to always be an excercize in feeling uncomfortable, and when you are on your own, there isn't even someone to write notes to on the bulletin during the service. So, I'm doing a lot of internet research to help prepare myself and minimize the amount of churches I have to visit before I find my next church home. As I scan websites, I can't help but notice links to "Singles Ministries."

Singles Ministries have never really appealed to me. I guess I haven't wanted to be labeled so bluntly, and also have thought that if I went to a singles event that it would mean I'd basically be saying I'm desperate and as such I'd feel really mean turning anybody down I wasn't interested in...I get horribly torn up when I feel like I'm rejecting people, especially ones who might already be dealing with issues of embarassment or desperation that might have led them to a seemingly safe zone of church singles ministry.

In recent years, I've felt more and more that many churches and church leaders don't really address single members of the body very well (you might want to check out my earlier post http://thesinglesadvocate.blogspot.com/2011/08/single-at-church-open-letter-to-all.html).  When segments of sermons are tailored to us, they generally just relate to waiting to have sex until we are married. There are many celebrations within the church related to married and family life (weddings, showers, baptisms, mother's day, father's day) and few dedicated to milestones in the lives of single people. There is little recognition/celebration of the ways in which single people are specially suited to certain types of ministry due to their availability.  And there's a lot of well-meaning, yet almost offensive off-handed remarks many singles often hear:  "you're just not ready yet - God's still preparing you," "The right one is out there, just stay pure," and "You should try a church with more single people."

It's not hard to see why lots of single's groups fail in churches. It's also not hard to see why lots of single people don't go to church. It's easier for me to not feel down about my singleness when I surround myself by single friends, but at church, I'm generally in the minority. But that's not a bad thing....I celebrate diversity in churches. I'm glad to see families, and old couples, divorcees and people like me - that's what the body of Christ looks like.

So, how can your church better serve singles in your body? Here's my ideas:

• Often single people have more free time- help them find ways to minister in meaningful ways. Now this is a double edged sword - in one way, I hate the attitude that I've faced where people feel I have more time to give because I don't have kids and a husband to take care of, however, I do have the luxury of time. Find ways to offer singles the opportunity to minister in ways that they are uniquely suited to. Recognize those singles who are good listeners and see if they are willing to do visitation to shut ins. Try to find the singles who are good nurturers and encouragers and see if they are willing to help out with children/youth/disabled ministries. Some singles are great cooks but often only cook for themselves - see if they might want to help with meals for people in the midst of mourning, sickness, etc.
• Integrate, don't separate. It is important for all of us in the body of Christ to recognize the diversity of all of the members. As I'm searching for churches, I don't really go back to ones where everyone is a 20 year old single, or all families, or churches that are all old couples. I want to grow from experiencing life with a community that is diverse in character and life situation. Yes, it is helpful to offer small groups for women, single parents, etc., but there should also be mixed options for those of us who celebrate diversity!
• Celebrate the growth that can happen during singleness, rather than making it seem like a hardship to get through.  One of the hardest things for me to hear is when someone says "Don't worry, God will bring the right guy into your life one day."  First off, what if he doesn't? Why are you promising me something you have no control over? Secondly, what if I wasn't worrying? It is human nature to start worrying the second someone tells us not to. Thirdly, if eventually there is a "one day" when God does bring the right guy into my life, does that mean everything up til that is a waiting game and isn't important? Oh, and how I hate the "you're not ready yet, God is preparing you" arguement too - no one should speak for God on this matter, and it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel like people are assuming I have some personal sin in the way of God delivering a husband on my doorstep.  If you are talking to a single person in church, don't focus on what you might percieve as "lacking" in their life - instead let them share what they are working on in their life, how God might be moving in their experience, and support them where they are at without alluding to what you think they might be missing.
• Have singles in leadership. When I scan church website staff directories and only see profiles of married couples I get nervous that I won't hear teaching I can relate to, or that my demographic might be overlooked. I think some churches are scared to have single ministry leaders because of the percieved risk of "inappropriate" behavior. My 21st century sensibilities label that as descrimination, but that's not the direction I want to take this bullet point. I absolutely recognize that God has used many ministry minded couples in phenomenal ways and that they are the basis of many many, many successful church ministries. But, ministers who are single are following in the tradition of so many of the early christians whom we speak so highly of in church: John the Baptist, Paul, Luke, Barnabas and many more. Moreover, single ministers have the ability to empathize in many ways with many church members who can feel broken in their singleness: divorcees, never marrieds, widows, those who are inclined to choose celibacy as they work through issues of sexuality, and more. For those outside traditional marraige, it can be incredibly hard to hear teaching from a married minister.
• Don't just give singles the token "don't have sex" shoutout during marraige sermons. I've gone to church my whole life, and when pastors inevitably get to their marraige and sex sermons, I feel like the only message I ever hear is to wait and stay pure. I'm not denying that is an important message, but it is FAR from the only message for singles. Try mixing in some encouragement and celebration for the positives of singleness rather than focusing on one aspect that can make some of us most feel like we are missing out or in a very different category from others.
• Singles in churches should be unified across age barriers, rather than clumped together.  Rather than focusing on having separate ministries for young singles who might be looking to date, divorcees perhaps needing counseling, single parents possibly reaching out for support, and widows and widowers who are often lumped into older adult ministires, try to encourage cross-singles ministry. As a single 30+ year old woman, I would love to get to know a single moms to offer friendship and support. I have a feeling getting to know some divorcees might help me from having the ridiculous ideas I have about marraige being perfect and solving all of my problems. Getting to know older widows would probably keep me from assuming that by getting married I'll never be alone again.  Also, what about people who are struggling with their sexual orientation (in churches that view homosexuality as a sin)? Perhaps by connecting them with heterosexual never-marrieds the opportunity to discuss the challenges of celibacy can be discussed in an honest, genuine and empathetic manner.  I'm know that these types of relationship can and do develop in churches, but are churches helping to foster them, or is it just through the work of the Holy Spirit? Can churches be more pro-active in this regard?

Message to myself: STOP COMPARING!!!!

Well, I've had a bit of a rough time lately, mostly relating to how I feel about being veryvery single. I haven't been in a relationship since my mid 20s...7 years ago. I've tried off and on - online dating, crushing on guys at church, exhausting the options in my friend circle - but for the most part, I've been resigned to living the single life. I tend to be the most content in the times when I'm not really trying very hard, and am just allowing life to happen as it will rather than trying to control and manipulate situations to lead to me being in my dream relationship. 

However, I'm not always so great at just living life and not stressing myself out about being single, and of late I've been feeling a bit depressed. Now, I know plenty of people in relationships get depressed as well, and I have played "Pollyana" and tried to focus on the many, MANY blessings in my life, but I'm just down right now, which is ok - life's not about always being happy, but I also want to make sure I'm not prolonging this gloomy period in my relatively sunshine-filled life.

In analyzing why I might be so down right now, there are some pretty obvious factors:  my cousin-roomate (younger than me) who has been single right alongside of me for the last 6 years just got into a relationship and my sister (8 years my junior) just got married to a British guy and moved to England to start their new life together. Also, my only other cousin (also younger than me) and his wife are about to have a baby...so literally all of the people in my generation of my family are going through a major relationship/life/family stage except me...and I'm the oldest.

Right off the bat - note how I am comparing myself to my siblings/cousins. I'm obviously am concerned by the fact that I'm the oldest and am seemingly so far behind. I think even if I wasn't the oldest it would be hard to see the people I've known for so long have experiences that I want but that remain so distant and elusive to me.....and it really doesn't help to think that I'm at an age where most people are already in a very different stage of life than me.

I've definitely fallen into a trap of comparing myself to others, and then feeling bad about myself when I feel that I'm behind, missing something, doing something wrong, failing, unable to make things happen in my life.  This isn't something that just plagues me when thinking about relationships...I've been working on not comparing myself to others in the career arena for years. I'm at a much better place than I was a few years ago, when every time I heard of a friend's job success I was blinded by jealousy - thankfully with God's help I was able to see my  tendency to define success and meaningfulness as being linked to achievement, and since then when I see myself falling into the trap of judging my worth by my successes I am able to stop and remind myself that I'm not important because of what I do, but because I'm God's kid and He loves me and that through and for Him I am able to much more than I ever could on my own. However, I'm not so great at applying that insight to my depression over my single-ness.

Why am I so sad? What's the root of the problem here? Well, I think it's a mix - part of it I think is just natural....we all want to be loved, cherished, affirmed. We live in a world that is oriented toward couples and families, and it can feel incredibly isolating and at times embarassing to be alone. I think when people are single, they often mask it - acting as if they are fine, when really they hang out by themselves in their apartments at night, rather than going out on their own because it feels to sad...and as a result single people are often hidden and go un-noticed and can feel so disconnected from the huge network of other singles out there. Singles events and activities don't really help the situation as they become meat-markets, and don't really develop a sense of community among singles more than a last-ditch escape effort.

I don't really know what the point of this blog post is. I don't think I really have any special insight, or words of wisdom to throw out there. I'm just in the midst of all these feelings right now, and I'm trying to sort through them day by day and not drown. I'm reading Henri Nouwen's "Life of the Beloved" right now, and he talks about how everyone experiences brokenness, and how our brokenness is unique and reveals very important aspects of ourselves. When we share our brokenness with others we share our vulnerability and others are privileged to connect with us in that way. I often am embarassed and try to hide my sadness and loneliness, feeling like it makes me seem weak or that I am unhappy with how I've lived my life and the choices I've made. But I'm not...I'm proud of how independent and resilient I've been, and how I've made a really great life for myself. That doesn't mean I don't get lonely, but my loneliness doesn't negate the blessings in my life either. I'm striving to no longer be ashamed of my loneliness...my brokenness, but to instead claim it as a part of who I am right now, and to share my struggle with those I'm close to, praying that by becoming vulnerable and sharing my life on that level with others that God will bless my situation and work through it in ways I can't even imagine.

A quote from Nouwen:

   "The first response, then, to our brokenness is to face it squarely and befriend it.  This may seem quite unnatural.  Our first, most spontaneous response to pain and suffering is to avoid it, to keep it at arm's length; to ignore, circumvent or deny it.  Suffering - be it physical, mental or emotional - is almost always experienced as an unwelcome intrusion into our lives, something that should not be there.  It is difficult, if not impossible, to see anything positive in suffering; it must be avoided away at all costs.
     When this is, indeed, our spontaneous attitute toward our brokenness, it is no surprise that befriending it seems, at first, masochistic.  Still, my own pain in life has taught me that the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain, but a step toward it.  When brokenness is, in fact, just as intimate a part of our being as our chosennes and our blessedness, we have to dare to overcome our fear and become familiar with it.  Yes, we have to find the courage to embrace our own brokenness, to make our most feared enemy into a friend and to claim it as an inimate companion.  I am convinced that healing is often so difficult because we don't want to know the pain." 

Loneliness....it happens to the best of us

Melancholy of a Beautiful Day, Georgio de Chirico

Lately, I've been grappling with loneliness a bit more than usual. I think Valentine's Day triggered it, as well as my cousin/roomate starting to date someone for the first time in years, which has lead to me sitting around on the couch by myself a bit more than usual.   I've tried to combat my feelings of loneliness by going out a bit more - going to coffeeshops or fun new restaurants after work to have a drink and skim a book while trying to look somewhat open to conversation....but it hasn't really worked too well for me. Half the time, I walk into a trendy new spot where I planned to get a glass of red wine before heading to my empty home and the sheer number of people and excruciating volume makes me turn around and leave immediately. Oh no...I'm getting....old......

The truth is, when I'm feeling lonely, I don't usually want to be around 100+ strangers. What I want is to be around a special someone. And even my attempts to get myself out of the house just further remind myself of my loneliness. Yesterday, I walked to the beach near my house to watch the sunset, which was gorgeous, but I couldn't help but notice that I was surrounded by couples. Luckily, I was able to walk down about a half mile to a deserted area where I could just soak up God's daily lightshow and regroup a bit.

I don't want this post to sound horribly negative. I'm not depressed...I'm just having a rough spot. I know everyone gets lonely - even people who are in relationships. I've heard some married folk say that the type of loneliness you experience when married is far more devastating than being lonely when you are single, because of the built up expectations for a partner to fulfill your need for companionship.  An old pastor of mine used to tell me that the root of almost every problem that was presented to him in counseling was a deep loneliness.

So, what to do? Well, some days I let myself wallow. Why not? I think we need to get it out of our systems sometimes. Have a big old pity party (like I did on Valentine's day when I gorged myself on Taco Bell). Then, in the days after, I have felt lonely, but I also realized I didn't like that side of me. Seeing my entitled attitude and self-pitying in full force was off-putting.  Yesterday, after my sunset walk, I came home and made the decision to thoroughly distract myself in a productive manner. I started painting at 6, and by 10 it was like the time had flown by. I was all by myself, but my brain was engaged, I was being creative, and I felt a lot better about myself.   I still feel a bit lonely today, but I've moved past the time when I'm allowing myself to wallow, and I'm into recovery mode. And, for now,  it feels good.

Oh Valentine's Day.....

Regardless of how I try not to, I always feel lonely on Valentine's day. I know I know - it's not what it's cracked up to be and most people in relationships don't especially enjoy the day either, but it's still a rough day for me as I see photos on facebook of the bouquets my friends have received, and all of the articles in CNN's living section relate to aphrodesiac smorgesborgs.

This blog isn't about being especially negative or positive about being single...it's just a place for me to be real about how I feel as a card carrying member of the single's community.

The Washington Post Magazine recently released an article entitled "The Single Life: some people never find the love of their lives. And live to tell about it." The article profiles one of my favorite bloggers, Wendy Braitman, author of First Person Singular.  The article was a bit meloncholic and dreary, making it seem as if she spends most days longing for a partner, which does not seem to be the case from reading her blog, but it did touch on some of the difficulties of maintinging a single life. Braitman speaks of how she is pro-active in making sure not to fall into situations that would bring her down. She always sets up plans for holidays, has a solid set of supportive friends to help with rides to the airport or when her car is in the shop. In short, she knows "how to ask for help."  These types of strategies have been so important in my own mental well-being...every long-term single should know their loneliness triggers and make plans for how to avoid the melancholy that can accompany such situations.....like how I should have set up a dinner with a friend for this Valentine's day evening so I would have something else to think about today instead of being lonely:(

It's obvious to everyone, but yes, movies, tv, novels...they've all given us a skewed view of what relationships are. The article describes the yearning for relationships to be linked with the idea that "marraige can add something fundamentally good to our lives" and that singles hope for "a constant companion who will bear intimate witness to our lives.  Who will heighten our joy and ease our suffering.  Who will be our designated collaborator and caretaker, sparing us the effort of constantly fending for ourselves."  Bingo. Yup, that pretty much sums up what I hope for in a relationship. But does that ever really happen? Do people have those kinds of relationships? Is that just a pipe dream? Is it even more devastating to get your hopes up, then get into a relationship and realize it's not what it's cracked up to be and then deal with the process of divorce?

Sometimes I think that even if it didn't work out, at least I'd have the experience of being in a relationship for whatever time it lasted, and I might have children, and relationships with a new social group of marrieds and divorcees. But I recognize there's a whole lot of accompanying pain and turmoil.

However, there is such a stigma against single people. Everyone seems to assume there's something fundamentally wrong with you if you are single.  It seems like a lot of people are able to build themselves up by getting married because somebody else then validates them. Those of us who are single don't get that type of validation and instead have to come to terms with ourselves..who we are, who we want to be, what we like and don't like about our character. I think single people tend to be more introspective and go on life journeys that make us stronger and more self-aware.

So, that's how I'm feeling this Valentine's Day. It's not the best day. I'd give it a 4/10. But, it's one day out of 365 (well, 366 since this is leap year) and I'd say my overall daily average is an 8.5/10. Not bad. I'll take a 4 now and then to better appreciate the rest of my days:)

Dating....blurgh!

I love my life. I'm a fairly content single and have been for about 6 years now. However, I don't want to shut myself off to potentially getting in a relationship - and with the barrage of drippy love stories in movies and sitcoms and eHarmony commercials, as well as well-meaning friends who at times try to convince me I'm missing out on a lot, I go through periods where I feel more inclined to participate in my least favorite activity besides having my teeth drilled.......dating.... (actually....maybe I even prefer dentist visits).

I went on a date just before Christmas. Blind date...my instincts told me not to, but in a fit of recklessness brought on by the holidays I decided to go for it. It was fine. The guy was nice, not awful looking. I didn't leave the experience horrified or scarred...by all accounts, not too bad. Which is how most of the many *cough* dates I go on are. I'm a really friendly person, I try to make people comfortable, and I'm a good conversationalist, which means when I'm on a date, usually there is sparkling conversation peppered with smiles throughout. For me, it's a coping mechanism to get through what I feel is an awkward situation. However, for the guy I'm on a date with, they usually see it as me being completely into them and it being one of the best dates ever. Yikes. But I don't know how to not be that way! It's who I am!

Then comes the tricky part that I have yet to ever hand properly....the point at the end of the date when the guy says "You're really great, Nikki! I'd love to hang out again - want to meet up?"....dum dum dum. I am terrible at this moment, because I see them all happy and excited and if there is anything I hate, it's disappointing people. I try to be noncommital, but I'm terrible at it, and every time I give the guy the impression that I do want to meet up again, and then I stress until he calls, berate myself for not liking the guy, go back and forth over whether or not I'm going to call, put it off until it would seem rude to call so many days after their call, and go down as the mean girl who never called back. BLURGH

My cousin tells me that I shouldn't stress so much - no one can fall in love on one date, they are a stranger, I don't owe them anything. But I still feel bad!

Anyone else go through similar situations? Any suggestions for how to handle this better? My approach is typically to not go on another date for 6 months because I'm so psychologically traumatized, and because I realize that I like my life way better with zero relationship drama. I gotta admit, being single sure feels like the most comfortable lifestyle for me, in a really good way!

One note - I usually get sucked into dates because friends convince me I need to be dating and that it is unhealthy for me not to be. I'm not sure that's true for me though. I do think some people are better single, and I might be one of them. You might be too. If you don't want to go on a date, don't go just because someone is trying to talk you into it. You probably won't end up going into it with the right attitude and if you are anything like me it might stress you out a lot. I think it shows a lot of effort to do other things that could help you more naturally meet people, like going to a coffeshop and not putting your headphones on and instead smiling at people when they go by or making small talk near the register, or volunteering for a beach clean up by yourself and striking up conversations with guys there, or breaking outside of your close circle of friends at a party and confidently walking over to a group of people you don't know to see if anyone is interesting. Even if you aren't actively going on dates or signing up for a million dating websites, you can still put yourself out there in a way that works for you!

The ups and downs of being single at the holidays

Pro: No stressing about buying a meaningful gift for a significant other
Con: Not getting a meaningful gift from a significant other
Pro: Not being disappointed when a significant other does not get you a meaningful gift

Con: Not having a partner to get through your work holiday partner
Pro: Not having to go to your boyfriend's awful work party

Pro: Getting to go wherever you want for the holidays without having to decide/compromise with someone else
Con: Being given the worst sleeping situation (ie: couch/floor) at relative's houses because the married couples get all the spare bedrooms

Con: Relatives asking you repeatedly at family get-togethers about when you are going to "settle down"
Pro: Reveling inthe moment when that family member gets into a tiff with their significant other at the Christmas dinner table

Pro: Enjoying the holiday on your own terms! Eat that cookie, go to Maui, skip an awful sweater party, watch the Muppets Christmas Carol ten times.....do what you want with your amazing single life!

Single at church: an open letter to all the married churchgoers and pastors out there

A few years ago I was talking to a single woman who was in her late 30s and seemed very self-assured and confident in her singleness and I saw her become more emotional than I had ever seen her before when she said that the hardest part of being single was going to church every Sunday. Going in, seeing happy families, couples sitting together, announcements about couples retreats....church is absolutely FULL of reminders of the relationship status that single people don't have.

Now, I'm not saying that it's bad for churches to be couple and family friendly, but I think that the attitudes displayed toward single people in the church often make us feel somewhat alienated. For example:

• Couples sitting together - where is the verse in the Bible that says that married men and women must always sit next to each other every single service? Don't you guys get enough of each other already? Come on! Split up once in a while SIT next to a single person, widow, or divorcee....I know there is the "meet and greet" time, but there is a major difference between saying hi real quick to someone who sits alone during the fellowship time versus actually sitting next to someone who generally sits alone. 
• Token sermon segments - Oh man, if there is anything that gets me riled up as a single person, it is when pastors do sermons on marriage and realize they need to throw something out there for the single people, so they do one or both of the following - a) "if you're single, this is still a valuable message to you as you figure out what you should look for in a spouse". What if we never want to get married? What about people who just got out of messy divorces and need to stay away from relationships for a while? What about the people who, just through the way life goes, will never find the right person? There HAS to be more pastors can offer than a caveat that might potentially help singles eventually. Plus, it always makes me feel like I'm in this weird limbo state where I'm not really meaningful until I get married and deal with life issues that dominate a good chunk of some pastor's teachings.  - b) the message to singles is completely about abstaining from sex. Great, just the message I want to hear - legalitarian, implying that as a single person I am especially drawn to licentious activities, and above all else, it just reminds us of the lack of physical intimacy that tends to pervade single people's lives, or makes us feel guilty for times we may have strayed into "sexual immorality." What....a....downer.  Come on. There HAS to be more valuable lessons for singles that can be shared from the pulpit - ones that encourage and build us up rather than making us feel super guilty or that we are missing something of vital importance in our life experience.
• the "God's not done preparing you for your spouse" argument - Oh man, this is the worst. Do not tell me that the reason God hasn't brought someone into my life is because I'm not ready. How do you know that? How come you can speak for God? How do you know God doesn't want to use my singleness for his glory? Were you in the most perfect relationship with God when he brought your spouse into the picture? Maybe God hasn't brought someone into my life because he wants me to have the time to spend building relationships with others, volunteering, and having the flexibility to be used as He desires rather than potty training toddlers and doing laundry (not that a wife's duties aren't very important...but they aren't the only or most important thing a woman can do with her time - every situation is different).  This argument just always seems like judgment to me - people telling me I must have some sin issues that God is punishing me for by not giving me a husband til I get everything straightened out. That's insulting.

Ok, that's my rant. I know my emotions are probably skewing some of the rationale I use, but I think it's vital for pastors and couples to recognize the way we single people feel perceived at times.