Oh Valentine's Day.....

Regardless of how I try not to, I always feel lonely on Valentine's day. I know I know - it's not what it's cracked up to be and most people in relationships don't especially enjoy the day either, but it's still a rough day for me as I see photos on facebook of the bouquets my friends have received, and all of the articles in CNN's living section relate to aphrodesiac smorgesborgs.

This blog isn't about being especially negative or positive about being single...it's just a place for me to be real about how I feel as a card carrying member of the single's community.

The Washington Post Magazine recently released an article entitled "The Single Life: some people never find the love of their lives. And live to tell about it." The article profiles one of my favorite bloggers, Wendy Braitman, author of First Person Singular.  The article was a bit meloncholic and dreary, making it seem as if she spends most days longing for a partner, which does not seem to be the case from reading her blog, but it did touch on some of the difficulties of maintinging a single life. Braitman speaks of how she is pro-active in making sure not to fall into situations that would bring her down. She always sets up plans for holidays, has a solid set of supportive friends to help with rides to the airport or when her car is in the shop. In short, she knows "how to ask for help."  These types of strategies have been so important in my own mental well-being...every long-term single should know their loneliness triggers and make plans for how to avoid the melancholy that can accompany such situations.....like how I should have set up a dinner with a friend for this Valentine's day evening so I would have something else to think about today instead of being lonely:(

It's obvious to everyone, but yes, movies, tv, novels...they've all given us a skewed view of what relationships are. The article describes the yearning for relationships to be linked with the idea that "marraige can add something fundamentally good to our lives" and that singles hope for "a constant companion who will bear intimate witness to our lives.  Who will heighten our joy and ease our suffering.  Who will be our designated collaborator and caretaker, sparing us the effort of constantly fending for ourselves."  Bingo. Yup, that pretty much sums up what I hope for in a relationship. But does that ever really happen? Do people have those kinds of relationships? Is that just a pipe dream? Is it even more devastating to get your hopes up, then get into a relationship and realize it's not what it's cracked up to be and then deal with the process of divorce?

Sometimes I think that even if it didn't work out, at least I'd have the experience of being in a relationship for whatever time it lasted, and I might have children, and relationships with a new social group of marrieds and divorcees. But I recognize there's a whole lot of accompanying pain and turmoil.

However, there is such a stigma against single people. Everyone seems to assume there's something fundamentally wrong with you if you are single.  It seems like a lot of people are able to build themselves up by getting married because somebody else then validates them. Those of us who are single don't get that type of validation and instead have to come to terms with ourselves..who we are, who we want to be, what we like and don't like about our character. I think single people tend to be more introspective and go on life journeys that make us stronger and more self-aware.

So, that's how I'm feeling this Valentine's Day. It's not the best day. I'd give it a 4/10. But, it's one day out of 365 (well, 366 since this is leap year) and I'd say my overall daily average is an 8.5/10. Not bad. I'll take a 4 now and then to better appreciate the rest of my days:)

Dating....blurgh!

I love my life. I'm a fairly content single and have been for about 6 years now. However, I don't want to shut myself off to potentially getting in a relationship - and with the barrage of drippy love stories in movies and sitcoms and eHarmony commercials, as well as well-meaning friends who at times try to convince me I'm missing out on a lot, I go through periods where I feel more inclined to participate in my least favorite activity besides having my teeth drilled.......dating.... (actually....maybe I even prefer dentist visits).

I went on a date just before Christmas. Blind date...my instincts told me not to, but in a fit of recklessness brought on by the holidays I decided to go for it. It was fine. The guy was nice, not awful looking. I didn't leave the experience horrified or scarred...by all accounts, not too bad. Which is how most of the many *cough* dates I go on are. I'm a really friendly person, I try to make people comfortable, and I'm a good conversationalist, which means when I'm on a date, usually there is sparkling conversation peppered with smiles throughout. For me, it's a coping mechanism to get through what I feel is an awkward situation. However, for the guy I'm on a date with, they usually see it as me being completely into them and it being one of the best dates ever. Yikes. But I don't know how to not be that way! It's who I am!

Then comes the tricky part that I have yet to ever hand properly....the point at the end of the date when the guy says "You're really great, Nikki! I'd love to hang out again - want to meet up?"....dum dum dum. I am terrible at this moment, because I see them all happy and excited and if there is anything I hate, it's disappointing people. I try to be noncommital, but I'm terrible at it, and every time I give the guy the impression that I do want to meet up again, and then I stress until he calls, berate myself for not liking the guy, go back and forth over whether or not I'm going to call, put it off until it would seem rude to call so many days after their call, and go down as the mean girl who never called back. BLURGH

My cousin tells me that I shouldn't stress so much - no one can fall in love on one date, they are a stranger, I don't owe them anything. But I still feel bad!

Anyone else go through similar situations? Any suggestions for how to handle this better? My approach is typically to not go on another date for 6 months because I'm so psychologically traumatized, and because I realize that I like my life way better with zero relationship drama. I gotta admit, being single sure feels like the most comfortable lifestyle for me, in a really good way!

One note - I usually get sucked into dates because friends convince me I need to be dating and that it is unhealthy for me not to be. I'm not sure that's true for me though. I do think some people are better single, and I might be one of them. You might be too. If you don't want to go on a date, don't go just because someone is trying to talk you into it. You probably won't end up going into it with the right attitude and if you are anything like me it might stress you out a lot. I think it shows a lot of effort to do other things that could help you more naturally meet people, like going to a coffeshop and not putting your headphones on and instead smiling at people when they go by or making small talk near the register, or volunteering for a beach clean up by yourself and striking up conversations with guys there, or breaking outside of your close circle of friends at a party and confidently walking over to a group of people you don't know to see if anyone is interesting. Even if you aren't actively going on dates or signing up for a million dating websites, you can still put yourself out there in a way that works for you!

The ups and downs of being single at the holidays

Pro: No stressing about buying a meaningful gift for a significant other
Con: Not getting a meaningful gift from a significant other
Pro: Not being disappointed when a significant other does not get you a meaningful gift

Con: Not having a partner to get through your work holiday partner
Pro: Not having to go to your boyfriend's awful work party

Pro: Getting to go wherever you want for the holidays without having to decide/compromise with someone else
Con: Being given the worst sleeping situation (ie: couch/floor) at relative's houses because the married couples get all the spare bedrooms

Con: Relatives asking you repeatedly at family get-togethers about when you are going to "settle down"
Pro: Reveling inthe moment when that family member gets into a tiff with their significant other at the Christmas dinner table

Pro: Enjoying the holiday on your own terms! Eat that cookie, go to Maui, skip an awful sweater party, watch the Muppets Christmas Carol ten times.....do what you want with your amazing single life!

Single at church: an open letter to all the married churchgoers and pastors out there

A few years ago I was talking to a single woman who was in her late 30s and seemed very self-assured and confident in her singleness and I saw her become more emotional than I had ever seen her before when she said that the hardest part of being single was going to church every Sunday. Going in, seeing happy families, couples sitting together, announcements about couples retreats....church is absolutely FULL of reminders of the relationship status that single people don't have.

Now, I'm not saying that it's bad for churches to be couple and family friendly, but I think that the attitudes displayed toward single people in the church often make us feel somewhat alienated. For example:

• Couples sitting together - where is the verse in the Bible that says that married men and women must always sit next to each other every single service? Don't you guys get enough of each other already? Come on! Split up once in a while SIT next to a single person, widow, or divorcee....I know there is the "meet and greet" time, but there is a major difference between saying hi real quick to someone who sits alone during the fellowship time versus actually sitting next to someone who generally sits alone. 
• Token sermon segments - Oh man, if there is anything that gets me riled up as a single person, it is when pastors do sermons on marriage and realize they need to throw something out there for the single people, so they do one or both of the following - a) "if you're single, this is still a valuable message to you as you figure out what you should look for in a spouse". What if we never want to get married? What about people who just got out of messy divorces and need to stay away from relationships for a while? What about the people who, just through the way life goes, will never find the right person? There HAS to be more pastors can offer than a caveat that might potentially help singles eventually. Plus, it always makes me feel like I'm in this weird limbo state where I'm not really meaningful until I get married and deal with life issues that dominate a good chunk of some pastor's teachings.  - b) the message to singles is completely about abstaining from sex. Great, just the message I want to hear - legalitarian, implying that as a single person I am especially drawn to licentious activities, and above all else, it just reminds us of the lack of physical intimacy that tends to pervade single people's lives, or makes us feel guilty for times we may have strayed into "sexual immorality." What....a....downer.  Come on. There HAS to be more valuable lessons for singles that can be shared from the pulpit - ones that encourage and build us up rather than making us feel super guilty or that we are missing something of vital importance in our life experience.
• the "God's not done preparing you for your spouse" argument - Oh man, this is the worst. Do not tell me that the reason God hasn't brought someone into my life is because I'm not ready. How do you know that? How come you can speak for God? How do you know God doesn't want to use my singleness for his glory? Were you in the most perfect relationship with God when he brought your spouse into the picture? Maybe God hasn't brought someone into my life because he wants me to have the time to spend building relationships with others, volunteering, and having the flexibility to be used as He desires rather than potty training toddlers and doing laundry (not that a wife's duties aren't very important...but they aren't the only or most important thing a woman can do with her time - every situation is different).  This argument just always seems like judgment to me - people telling me I must have some sin issues that God is punishing me for by not giving me a husband til I get everything straightened out. That's insulting.

Ok, that's my rant. I know my emotions are probably skewing some of the rationale I use, but I think it's vital for pastors and couples to recognize the way we single people feel perceived at times.  

3rd wheel? 5th wheel? 7th wheel? argh!!!!

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend, who also happens to be unattached, and part of our convo related to the pros and cons of being single. Overall, I think we are pretty well-adjusted examples of living single and enjoying life, but one thing we agreed on disliking is situations where we are the only singles amongst a group of couples. Being the odd one out is just awkward and not fun, no matter how great and un-coupley the relationshippers are. 

It's strange - I can be having an awesome day, cooking my crazy vegetarian food at home, going for a run by the beach, calling my mom to chat forever about recipes, singing in my house at the top of my lungs, watching reality shows no boyfriend would ever watch with me - really enjoying the single life, and then I'll go to a party full of  couples and all the sudden doubt that my life has as much meaning and purpose. Where does that thought come from???? Well, maybe it's all the "We just love that band", "Isn't life so busy right now, my husband's in grad school so WE are just overwhelmed", "I wanted to meet up with you the other day, but WE just had to do laundry that night".  Come on! Are you an individual at all anymore?????

I am blessed with a large friend group with a mixture of singles and couples, and as long as the event I'm going to has at least a few singles going, I'll attend, but if I'm the only one, no way! I'd much prefer going to a restaurant on my own and taking a good book - far more entertaining than being the 5th wheel at a dinner party!!!

Single possibilities in 1800s England

I recently watched the series "Regency House Party" from the BBC - a time traveling reality TV show that placed several young, single men and women (along with chaperones) back in the courtship rituals of the Regency Era of the early 1800s. The modern participants had to follow appropriate social restrictions and fully engaged in the lifestyle of the time- complete with maids, corsets, chamber pots, and needlework. It was a really interesting series - especially fascinating to see how some of them chafed at the confines of social practices at the time.

At the end of the series several pairings emerged, however, Haley Conick, who remained somewhat detached from the suitors throughout, expressed her lack of interest in a Regency-Era marraige. Check out this video, starting at the 2 minute mark.

 

How frustrating it must have been for women who desired independence at that time! I feel so sad for the women of that time (and women in various parts of the world today) who do not have the luxury of being independent. Funny how some people think it is a "curse" to be single and 30+, when that was a situation many must have pined for back in those days. To think that being a courtesan was basically the only way to have control over your life - wow!!!!

Living the life!!!

I have an amazing life.   I live exactly where I want to, in beautiful, sunny San Diego.  I'm 31 and in good health.  I enjoy much of my job as an art history teacher (besides the grading).  I have a fantastic relationship with my parents, and lots and lots of friends. I have a vibrant spiritual life that keeps me grounded. And , believe it or not, I am happy despite having been single for over six years.

Yup, I often hear "How are you still single?" and "Don't worry, the right guy is out there - you'll find him one day" and get those sympathetic looks when they find out I'm not dating anyone.  Those reactions used to bug me, but to be perfectly honest, now I just find them amusing.  There are good and bad things about everybody's situation. Sure, my married friends cite companionship, stability and their burgeoning families as the benefits of being in relationships, but for me, I think freedom, personal control, and having a mulititude of important friendships are valid counterarguments if we are keeping a tally (which I don't recommend).  For me, I've moved beyond trying to figure out which is better, being single or in a relationship, and I'm focusing on the positives of the life I have!

So, my blog is going to focus on things to life up those of us in that singles category - create a community, share stories, encourage each other, etc.  Whether you are just needing some happy thoughts as you transition out of a relationship, or have been solidly single for some time, join me as we ride together in the single lane!!!